To say that online bullying (or cyberbullying as kids these days are calling it) has become a major problem recently is a massive understatement.  Over this last year, I have met some amazing people, and I have encountered some terrible ones. 

I am going to start with the amazing people that I have met first, because it seems appropriate that they get the praise they deserve before delving into the dark pit of despair that certain factions of the Supernatural Fandom seems to have crawled from.  These amazing people are men and women alike who give so much of themselves to try to make this dim world a little bit brighter have been the focus of a dangerous obsessive compulsive game of “if we can’t kill them physically, let’s kill them mentally.” Most of these beautiful people I have yet to meet face to face, but the ones I HAVE had the honor of meeting and hanging out with are such beautiful souls who would do anything for anyone at any given time. Yet somehow they are being punished for trying to do the right thing, which is a concept that escapes me. Sure, there may be some who associate with certain people you may not like, but quite frankly, that’s none of your business who they speak to in a personal capacity. Are these alleged phone calls hurting you personally? I highly doubt it. In fact, I rather doubt it makes ANY personal impact on your life at all other than the fact that you simply don’t like the person who may be on the other end of the phone.

I have actually had people try to glean information from me regarding this matter and I can honestly say that I have never witnessed any such communications. Even if I did, I doesn’t bother me because I have my own life to live. If my best friend were to receive a phone call from my highly abusive ex-husband whom I despise and they became friends, then hey… all the more power to them. I might warn them not to get too close based on my personal experience, but I’m not going to shun my hypothetical friend for speaking with someone I can’t stand, and who even tried to kill me a few times in a VERY literal way. I would simply tell them to be careful and move on. That’s what reasonable adults do. What DOES bother me is when I see posts telling people to go kill themselves, or that they are worthless, or even trying to destroy a person’s reputation that took years to build. 

This takes me to Castiel’s Angels; technically I am not an angel, but an ally… and right now they need all the allies they can get.  When C.A. was founded, it was a small group of fans who helped out with campaigns for the actors to get more shirt sales for the assigned foundations, and they were helping match donors who could help out by purchasing campaign shirts for those who couldn’t afford them. In this last year (ESPECIALLY since the #OnlyLove campaign), C.A. grew faster than they could have ever expected. Everyone wanted to become an Angel to represent their State or Country (and yes, there are Angels in Germany, Russia, and other areas of the world), and the founder was trying to find a way to make that happen.  She knew the time would come when she would have to file and register as a legitimate non-profit, and when Misha was heading up Random Acts, he actually talked her OUT of filing for non-profit status.  Many of you may not realize that, so I feel it’s time you SHOULD know this, or else the 501c(3) would be in place already. Bear in mind that the filings are now in the works by building a Board of Directors, coming up with a non-copywrite entity name, then filing with the Secretary of State.  It can take weeks and even months for the Secretary of State to approve the 501c(3), and until that is approved, an ITN number cannot even be issued for the IRS to file the appropriate forms with them.  The reason that takes so long is because it’s not like filing a Fictitious Firm Name (FFN) with the County wherein you pay $20 and it takes 10 minutes of your time.  The 501c(3) is sent to our State’s Capitol for review and can literally sit in someone’s inbox for a while before they even get around to it.  This is NOT an overnight process, and it amazes me at how many people think it’s a fast process.  When I filed mine as a member of the Clergy, it took 6 months before I got my filing approved because they have to research a few things like making sure the name isn’t already taken, that anything used falls under the Fair Use Act, etc.  You want Castiel’s Angels to become legit, which they are trying to do and are working on doing as we speak, but all of these allegations are more destructive than anything because it’s going to make it that much more difficult to get the filing approved. I fail to understand why you want to sabotage this organization so badly. The founder goes to school full time, works full time, then goes home and makes BEAUTIFUL handmade jewelry and crafts for the fandom with the proceeds being appropriated into their proper destinations for the various foundations that the actors of Supernatural hold so near and dear to them. Has she made mistakes? Of course, because she’s only human after all and she’s learning from those mistakes.  Her pending organization grew so rapidly this last year, it amazes me that she is even able to keep on top of it at all! She’s dedicated to this fandom… fans and actors alike. I have actually SEEN her workshop and have even lent a helping hand a time or two in order to make all of the wonderful things the fans are requesting from her, and she does this out of her own pocket… yes, meaning everything she does, all of the supplies she uses, she pays for ALL of it on her OWN dime.  

In February at VegasCon, she had made a bag full of items that were dedicated to the character Rowena, and handed the bag to Ruthie Connell herself! Ruth was the one who sold the items via donations at her autograph vendor booth, and when I went to follow up with Ruth since our founder was in a photo op at the time, Ruth was ecstatic not only that she had sold everything, but that one of the necklaces sold in the triple digit range! ALL of that money went to “My Hope Chest,” and Ruth was blown away by it, giving me not one hug but two… one for me, and one for our Castiel’s Angels founder who made it possible! 

When Mark Pellegrino did his #OnlyLove Represent campaign back in the end of November to early December with Jeff, the Angels (and myself included) bought A LOT of shirts to donate to people who couldn’t afford them. When Mark extended the campaign, I knew I wanted to get a hoodie but was in between pay periods, and a friend (who’s name I am purposely omitting because I don’t want her to get anymore mixed up in this mess than she may already be since she’s already been doxxed once) stepped in and lent me the money to order a shirt (which I promptly paid back as soon as I got my paycheck), because that’s what we do in this family. We have each other’s backs! #OnlyLove went to “Stomp Out Bullying,” and the irony is that when the campaign was over, the bullying actually got WORSE! It became a movement to spread love among our Supernatural Family, and was somehow twisted into something toxic. In fact, it became SO bad that I almost threw out 16 years of sobriety over it and Mark, Jeff, Castiel’s Angels (all of them), and my aforementioned anonymous friend quite literally talked me off of the proverbial ledge that night, and for that I will be ETERNALLY grateful! In fact, the love for Mark was returned in kind at VegasCon because Castiel’s Angels made signs that said #OnlyLove to show support for Mark since he had become the focus of some of the bullying himself, and we wanted to let him know how special he is to this family! Despite what you may have read on Twitter that day, there were roughly 250 signs being held up around that convention room (sans the ones torn up by the Emo Squad), and it looked very much like what you saw in Roger’s video. I saw them because I happened to be in the line for Mark’s panel at the front of the room, but I couldn’t pull my phone out since I was next up with a question, or I CERAINLY would have taken video (or at least a few photos).

When David Hadyn-Jones did his Alzheimer’s Awareness campaign, he opted to use a C.A. design which was an amazing purple elephant with Ketch’s cross on the front leg because elephants are notorious for their amazing memories.

When Rachel Miner took over for Random Acts, Castiel’s Angels had many wonderful things for her to help her out as well, because she IS our unicorn! 

So please, help me to understand how ANY of this is a bad thing.  Seriously, I would like to know! 

Now I am going to dive head first into the toxic sea that is the people who wish to decimate Castiel’s Angels. One of the most prominent catalysts of these latest attacks MUST be on some sort of illicit drug because hints were in fact given. First, I speak 5 languages and am learning a 6th one which happens to be Norwegian. I’m learning this language because I have a couple of friends who are in fact FROM Norway (one of which is a cultural celebrity, Trine Strand), and I made a promise that I would learn their language so when they come back to America, I can actually speak to them in their own language. I’m a bit of a linguist by hobby which also includes the language of science (Quantum and Astro Physics, as well as String Theory which I find rather fascinating). So when I heard a certain somebody added “Norwegian” into their name, I found it rather amusing and it also confirmed that this person has people stalking me and reporting back. To be honest, I suspected as much with the onslaught of sock accounts suddenly starting to follow me. Then I decided to post a few things in the languages I DO speak, and a screenshot by a trusted friend made its way back to me saying that I wasn’t the only one who could use Google Translate, but this person was “too sober to deal with it.”  Well 1: I didn’t use Translate (I don’t need to), and 2: the last sentence I wrote was in my mother tongue to which there IS no translation program.  Oh, let’s not forget about 3: people have actually HEARD me speak these languages over the phone and in person. So that just gave me a good giggle for the night. It was also brought to my attention that this person was tweeting about nonstop for roughly 27 hours STRAIGHT. Seriously… when do you sleep? Because that CAN’T be good for your health! 

As to MY credibility, which was in question recently, let’s clear a few things up. I went to University and studied pre-law.  In fact, I JUST got my student loan paid off 2 years ago. No I do not go by my married name when I am dealing with the courts for this reason. You see, in my State, a Paralegal can actually freelance, which means I don’t have to be working for any one law firm.  My supervising attorney is whomever hires me for a time to aid in case loads, and yes in order to go into court and work on actual cases, I do have to be under an attorney. However, I do not have to be under supervision to pull paperwork and hand it to someone to fill out, nor do I need to be under supervision to file the paperwork. At that point, I am merely a runner and doing something that any civilian can do. I am prohibited from giving legal advice, but I CAN tell them where to sign on the dotted line. You see, here in MY state, Paralegals actually run legal form shops sans attorneys because we are not giving legal advice, but merely instruct the people/client how to fill out the legal forms, whether they need to be notarized, and where to take them to be filed, although we can do the filing for a fee since we are not appearing in court. However, right now I AM being supervised by a real estate attorney who specializes in HOAs and have a very good working relationship with our Department of Real Estate, which is why Castiel’s Angels is doing their own papers and filings for their non profit org. This is what you wanted them to do so you knew where the charity money went, isn’t it? However, now, you have managed to ruin their credibility for simply trying to do the right thing.  Are your own lives THAT miserable that you feel the need to bring others down to your simplistic and pedestrian level? If so, I truly do feel sorry for you because there is so much more to this world than sitting behind your computer screen, phone, or tablet.  Is Castiel’s Angels hurting you personally? Because you’ve certainly managed to bring down a woman who is trying to make a positive difference in this world, and a once upbeat young woman is now a mere shell of herself and has fallen into a form of depression because of YOUR actions and lack of civility. If you are on a substance (whether it be alcohol, meth, heroin, etc), or just suffering from depression yourself, I implore you to go get help. Trust me when I say that rambling on Twitter, sending death threats (whether it’s you or one of your minions, I really don’t know, nor do I care),  and quite literally obsessing over someone else’s personal life is NOT a constructive outlet. Get out and enjoy some fresh air, go for a walk, go to the beach if you can, Hell… take up knitting! Do SOMETHING other than trying to tear people down! Because believe me when I say, it WILL eventually come back to bite you in the ass and haunt you in the end… it always does.  Karma is kind of funny in that way.


Regarding my Twitter Live Feed from May 2, 2018

This is a speech I had written on May 2nd, 2018 for the cyberbullies who are currently attacking Castiel’s Angels. I posted this as a live video, and for whatever reason this was twisted. First, let me begin by saying that I am a Freelance Paralegal, which in MY state is perfectly legal, and while I actually DID attend pre-law, in our state, courses and training, degrees and certificates are not a requirement in my state. As a freelancer, the only time I am required to be under attorney supervision is when I am HIRED by that attorney since I am representing their firm, and must do as they say. However, here, there are legal form stores that are strictly Paralegal run. Laws vary from state to state. A quick disclaimer, I am not an attorney,nor do I claim to be. I do not give legal advice, I will always direct you to an attorney (and believe me,I know many). I WILL however file forms for you because that is what I am trained to do and what I legally CAN do. Regarding Attorney/Client privilege, I am held under the same Canons that a member of the American Bar Association is held under, and therefore cannot divulge any private information or information on anyone I am currently pending paperwork for. That being said, the following is what I said in my live feed word for word which was twisted worse than an F7 tornado.

Just a little reminder about a few things that have been happening lately. There are some of you that know me well, and some of you don’t know me at all, and that’s ok. That’s why as someone in the legal field I am doing this solo video to explain a few things. A few years back, a wonderful group of fans headed by Vic, founded Castiel’s Angels. At that time it was supposed to be a fan run group to aid the actors in their various campaigns and charities by helping them to promote tee shirt sales, and to purchase shirts for those in the fandom that couldn’t afford one. Needless to say at that time, NOBODY could foresee the future of the group, which is now becoming an organization. In wanting to help out with the plethora of charities that the cast of Supernatural supports, such as Random Acts, Stomp out Bullying, To Write Love on her Arms, Attitudes in Reverse, My Hope Chest, among many others, the Angels started handcrafting jewelry to auction off and sell so they could send the money to the charities directly once the tee shirt campaigns were over with.
Now the Angels have grown into a group that has actually gone international in a very short time. Keep in mind that the intent behind Castiel’s Angels was never to try and gain notoriety, nor to get close to any of the actors. Aside from the various cast charities, they have saved lives by providing a lifeline of sorts for people to reach out to and even raised funds to help with the medical bills and financial needs of various members of the SPN Family. In this last year, C.A. has grown exponentially and it has been difficult for Victoria to keep up with all of the orders, requests, mailers, making things, going to school full time AND working full time, which until recently she has done on her own. Now she has people all over the world wanting to become a part of C.A. to help. This has happened in a VERY whirlwind timeframe!
Now for the legalities. Vic DOES keep receipts of every donation and supply purchase, which she is currently working on organizing. She’s learning as she goes, kind of like learning to fly an airplane while you’re building it. As with EVERY charity, there will be a cost overhead called an “operating budget.” This is the money that is used when supplies need to be purchased, a website needs to be built, an office needs to be rented, techs need to be paid, or any surprise extras (like having to retain an attorney) come up. When a charity ends, the money spent out of that budget is replenished before the rest goes to the charities. This is why you’ll often see the coveted “proceeds go to charity X,” disclaimer. There IS actually an overhead to running a non-profit organization. I am sympathetic to the fact that most people do not understand how this works, and have the misconception that every single dime goes to a charity. Do you honestly think Represent makes their tee-shirts for campaigns for free, or that Goodwill employees don’t get paid?
Every state is different in their laws regarding non-profit entities, and you can always read up on yours. In OUR state, a N.P. MUST have at LEAST 5 local (in state) members to even be able to file for a 501(c)3 with the Secretary of State. AFTER that is done, a 1023 Tax Exemption form with your entity name on it is filed with the IRS with an EIN (different than a Social Security number, for those of you who have never had to file a corporate tax return).
It’s really easy to sit back and say things like “I’m going to report them to the IRS,” or “they aren’t legitimate,” etc. However, there’s A LOT that goes into formulating a non-profit and it IS very time consuming. For the record, in order to find a Social Security number, full name, address, and date of birth on someone to try to “report them to the IRS” is called “doxxing” which falls under the legal category of cyber stalking which is punishable by up to 10 years in a Federal Prison according to the United States Penal Codes, so you might want to rethink that little idea since we aren’t talking about a visit by the police, a slap on the wrist, and a misdemeanor ticket here.
Now, let’s stop the hate and the bullying. Let’s knock it off with the childish crap, and let’s get this off the ground as a legitimate non-profit (which by the way is different than a “charity). Castiel’s Angels wants more than anything to do good in this world, and I am here to make sure that happens despite the diatribes on Twitter to get people’s attention about rumors and screenshots. Children do that sort of thing, not fully grown supposedly “intelligent” adults. We have A LOT of work to do, yes. Do we need to chill out on some things as far as what we say? Absolutely. However, if you are going to fight against even letting Castiel’s Angels get off the ground because of whatever issues you are going through, then we have a problem. One last thing to remember…. Victoria is a human being, and a wonderful one at that. If you’re main purpose of trying to derail her is because of who she may or may not associate with in her DMs or by phone (which I have never personally witnessed by the way), then I have a newsflash for you…. It’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! It’s HER personal business as to whom she associates with on or offline. Forget about what she does in her free time, because it has no effect on your life whatsoever. Should she decide to share her personal stuff with you, then that’s fully and completely up to you. If you want to DM ME asking me legitimate questions about the plans for the future of Castiel’s Angles, by all means DO SO. I will help in any way I can. However, if I start getting more DMs asking about Victoria’s personal associations, I curse you to an eternity as Hellhound chow. I will say this once and once only… it is NOT my place, and you WILL not get information from me to try and use against her, because I don’t play those silly games.

On this day, the one month anniversary of the terrible shooting which took place in Parkland, FL, we have all witnessed students from schools across the Nation stand together in solidarity to send the message, “enough is enough!”  We feel it is time to present a practical, efficient, and inexpensive solution to ensure the safety of our children that would in no way interfere with our 2nd Amendment Rights.

The basic action of the modern firearm has changed very little in the last 160 years, and the basic ingredients of firing a projectile from a firearm has not changed in 500 years. Technology, on the other hand, has increased a hundred-fold in just the last 20 years.  We feel it’s time to tap into those technological advancements in order to better deal with the problems being caused by this relatively ancient instrument.

My husband and I have been in contact with representatives from a company which has developed an innovative new device, which has the ability to detect the presence of GUNPOWDER in live ammunition when it gets within a range of 9 feet. Imagine the positive implications of a device that could protect us (ESPECIALLY our children) from danger by preventing it from ever even entering a building.  Even in its infancy, this technology could be used (within 6 months) in conjunction with automatic locking doors so if even a single round of ammunition tried to cross the 9 foot barrier, the doors would lock shut; thereby securing the building in an instant.

What we propose is to bring a prototype, along with one or more representatives of this company, for a public demonstration of its capabilities.  This would be done on a simple laptop with an alarm to alert you when the sensor has been breached.  School Representatives, Public Officials, and members of the media would be encouraged to be in attendance.  We could then discuss how it can be used in conjunction with switches, alarms, automatic locking doors, etc. in a way that would make any school where it is installed virtually impenetrable by any person or persons carrying a loaded weapon. If you should decide to allow us to perform a demonstration, we will strive to meet any schedule, and we are eager to begin work on this project immediately.  The sooner we can integrate this system into schools everywhere, the sooner we can rest in knowing that what happened in Parkland, Newtown, and Columbine will NEVER happen again.

As you can see, it is not the weapon we seek to keep off of school grounds, but the ammunition… the ONE common denominator in ALL firearms.  By applying this sensor device to this terrible dilemma which has befallen us all, we believe that it might someday be regarded as one of the greatest technological advancements of this Century.

Kristi Sustrick and Joseph Sustrick.                            

(702) 727-9551, (702) 690-8373

(702) 854-9551 (fax)

Its kind of long, so I’m pasting it here….

PLEASE READ THIS IF YOU USE TWITTER. —– be on the lookout for anyone who posts a video called “i want to be a narco’s wife” or a video with a corgi on the cover and report and/or block them IMMEDIATELY. one video contains very graphic gore content and the other contains brutal animal abuse. spread the word for your sakes.

to clear things up, NO i have not watched either of these videos but i do not want anyone else to nor do i want to. ahem Kristi Sustrick

From a Friend

Dear Travis;

I figured that writing to you on this forum would be the easiest for everyone since all Victoria has to do is share a link, and you merely have to click on it. I also figured that since I do not have many subscribers to this site yet, this would be the safest way to let you know that you do have friends out here.  I will delete this post, of course, after I know that you have read it.   Just let Victoria know that you have seen it, or you can contact me via Facebook directly.

My heart hurts for you, as I have seen the sheer venom blasted your way for no reason other than to make a few bullies feel better about themselves.  I generally do not like to say anything negative about people, but having been on the receiving end of cyber bullying myself recently, all I can say is that these people have nothing better to do.  They make themselves feel better by trying to bring other people down because they feel miserable in their own lives. They feel invincible behind the safety of their computer screens and either forget or ignore the fact that there are living human beings with real feelings on the other end who read these disturbing posts.  I guarantee 98% of these people wouldn’t dare say even a small portion of what they throw out there given the chance to speak face to face.  This new generation of people have completely forgotten their social graces, if they were even taught any at all to begin with.

Yes, you are an actor… a damn fine one at that. However, first and foremost, you are a person.  A human deserving of all the dignity and respect that ANY of us deserve.  You just happen to have a cooler job than most of us. That’s another thing that people (especially the younger generation) seem to forget.  They have a difficult time separating reality from fiction and can’t compartmentalize the fact that you are NOT your character.  I don’t know…. maybe it’s easier for me since I have been around celebs since high school, and am a performer myself (although not on screen), and therefore, it’s much easier for me to see you all for the beautiful people you are.  You CERTAINLY don’t deserve ANY of this negativity!  That’s why I was working so hard to help Mark Pellegrino and Jeff Friday (PugfatherJeff) out with the OnlyLove campaign, because the bullying that has infected our fandom has become like a virus of sorts and needs to be eradicated, and we (the TRUE SPN Family) are the antidote.

Anyway, I just want you to know that aside from Castiel’s Angels, you also have Lucifer’s Legion watching your back.  If you need ANYTHING, please do not hesitate to ask.  As a Paralegal, I am bound by the cannons of the Attorney/Client privilege just as a Barred Attorney would be, so anything said in that capacity will always remain confidential unless otherwise specified (yes, I am a “Jill of all trades” so to speak). I will not say anything on Social Media (especially Twitter), but WILL pass along screenshots of anything I see as dangerously unseemly to Victoria so that she can pass it along to you. If you ever need to talk or vent, you can always reach me via Facebook Messenger under Kristi Sustrick.  I will reiterate that you DO have friends out here, and we are willing to listen and give you an outlet to vent.

I know all too well how badly words can hurt (the last round of bullies almost broke my 15 years of sobriety, which Jeff and Mark talked me through). The saying “the pen is mightier than the sword” rings very true, and can leave wounds and scars that are more difficult to heal than anything physical.  What really hurts is that you’re being treated in this manner after putting your life on the line for this country and our freedom, which NO Veteran should EVER have to endure. So thank you for your service!

That being said, I will close this now so that you don’t have to spend all night reading a short novel.  For the record, I DO believe you and I believe IN you.  Stay strong, my friend.


Kristi Sustrick

Celebrity Bullying is NOT OK!

Lately there have been incidents in which people feel that it’s OK to bully Celebrities, and that is something that I find very disturbing these days.  It’s brought about by these so-called “Social Justice Warriors,” or SJWs for short. These are the very same ilk that will cry foul whenever someone says or does something offensive to their delicate sensibilities. They get upset and up in arms over bullying, and will in fact create anti-bullying campaigns, yet for whatever twisted reason, they think it’s ok to do it to someone else. These people are completely lacking in reason and common sense due to some psychological misfire. Their target of choice these days is usually of celebrity status because it’s easy for them. They see people on the big screen or on television and forget that the image they are seeing are real living people just like you and I.  When a celebrity says something a little off color, or does something the SJW populace doesn’t agree with, they are hit with a barrage of hateful comments and boycotts.  Why are these SJWs so easily offended? In my opinion (and yes, I am actually allowed to have one), it’s because there is something within themselves that they are unhappy with and as a result, they feel that the world needs to share in their misery.  These are people who seem to share in a bizarre collective consciousness that programs them into thinking everyone MUST feel, think, and act the same way they do.  They oppose any original thought and will sometimes lash out in violence if the offending party doesn’t conform to their ways. It’s political correctness gone wild, because people don’t seem to understand that we as individuals have different thoughts and feelings than everyone else, and that (again I reiterate) celebrities are HUMAN BEINGS.

So you might be asking yourselves by now, why I am writing all of this?  Recently there was an incident within the Supernatural Fandom that was designed to hurt one of our fellow family members, Mark Pellegrino.  You might have figured out by that sentence that this is a small follow up to the open Fandom letter I wrote the other day regarding the online bullying that has taken root on Twitter.  Someone thought it would be “cute” to start a petition to have him removed from the Creation Conventions for 2018, which was designed to not only hurt him, but his fans as well because they didn’t like something he said.  Luckily, the Supernatural Family have circled the proverbial wagons around him in order to protect him.  He was quite literally victimized in a very vicious manner because there are certain people who don’t seem to understand that he is a person with very real feelings.  I can pretty much guarantee that most of the people who attacked him have never met him, spoken with him, or have even gone to a convention.  If they had, they would know that he is probably one of the sweetest, patient, and most genuine individuals out there.  When I saw his Podcast talking about him breaking down in tears over this, it broke my heart because I HAVE had the honor of meeting him a couple of times, and have spoken with him on Twitter (yes, he even gave me a few pep talks to get me through some harrowing crap), and even though I haven’t spoke with him recently (which admittedly, I have had my Mark “withdrawals”), I can tell you from personal experience that he’s exactly the OPPOSITE of what this handful of SJWs would have you believe. They have intentionally taken some of his tweets out of context, editing out the supporting thread (which thankfully, someone rectified), to make him sound like this horrible person that people should be wary of! I even spoke to someone who called him “xenophobic,” and said they would feel “unsafe” if he was at the convention when she goes…. This was after she admitted she had never been to a convention, BTW. After I told her it sounded like SHE was the one who was xenophobic (a word 90% of these people had never heard before Hillary’s gang said it) and gave her the definition, she deleted all of her tweets. I guess the truth hurts, doesn’t it?

My point to all of this, is that until you actually meet someone in person, you really shouldn’t try to place misguided judgement on them because something they said in a conversation that had nothing to do with you hurt your delicate “feels.”  To me, this sounds like some bored college dope trying to cause drama where there shouldn’t be any just because she was bored.

Maybe I should have put this little disclaimer at the top of my blog, but if I had, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been read.  I am known to write things that people might not like simply because I’m tired of seeing people being treated like shit for no other reason than the fact that they have a mind of their own. Step outside of your little safe space for a moment, and see that the world is indeed a big scary place, and be thankful that there are people like Mark Pellegrino who champion out there for you to make the world a little less terrifying.  Try to find a little modicum of decorum when speaking to someone or about someone whether you agree with them or not, because the beauty of people as that we are all different and can have an intelligent exchange of ideas.  Stop being so close minded that you are putting yourself at a disadvantage where learning something new is concerned, and by ALL the Gods, please stop trying to inflict harm on people just because you don’t see them as being “real.”  You really all should be ashamed of yourselves for your actions in trying to hurt a good man, who has a good heart, and who has done many wonderful things while saving lives in the process.  Yes, there are people that are alive right now quite LITERALLY because of Mark, and I am happy to say that I have become very good friends with a few of them.  Can you say the same?


It has taken me a few days to gather my thoughts and truly wrap my head around the tragedy that happened in Las Vegas, NV on October 1st, 2017 at 10:08 pm during the end of the Route 91 Harvest Festival near the Mandalay Bay. To start, on Sunday night, I received a phone call from my landlord since his sister, brother in law, niece, and his niece’s friend were all in town so that Melanie (the niece) and her friend (Amber) could go to the Festival. My landlord owns several houses in the community where we live, so the house that he puts his family up in when they are in town is literally about a 7 minute walk from my home.  I always keep extra inhalers and other first aid supplies on hand sine my oldest daughter has asthma, and it just so happens that Melanie has asthma as well.  So you can imagine my shock when I got a call from my landlord telling me to run over to the house where his sister was staying and to take a couple of inhalers over to Melanie because she was having an attack.  As it turns out, the attack was caused by severe anxiety, stress, and A LOT of fast running. Luckily she and Amber were toward the back of the venue, and as soon as the first wave of bullets were fired, they ran to the back exit and across the street to where there was a gas station which they hid behind for cover. Melanie was white as a freshly laundered hospital sheet when I got there and she and Amber were shaking and in tears, understandably.  After I gave her the inhaler and the albuterol calmed her breathing, she started telling me about the people dropping around her, the blood soaking the street, and a woman who also ran for cover behind the gas station who had a gunshot wound to her thigh, which was gushing blood. She told me about how it was complete carnage out there with 22,000 people running for their lives and trying to save the lives of those around them. While she and Amber were thankfully unharmed, they will both be looking at medical bills for a long while for therapy sessions, since this will most definitely be a factor for PTSD, which having it myself I was able to let her know that she may not even know she’s having Post Traumatic Stress for several more days after the shock wears off.  It took me a full week before I was diagnosed after seeing the state that my Godson was in after a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, and seeing him before the Paramedics took him to the UMC Hospital Trauma Center.  That was in 2012, and I STILL have trouble some nights when I’m falling asleep because of the images from that night, so I can only imagine what Melanie and Amber will be going through after that reign of terror!

So then I found out that a friend of mine from Cedar City, UT, Heather Alvarez, was also at the concert and she was one of the (now) 59 fatalities.  I had just seen her in June of this year when I went to Cedar City for my 25th High School Reunion, and she was married to one of Cedar City’s firefighters. This came as a complete shock to me, since I didn’t even know she was in town this weekend.  I still have no clue if anyone else that I know are among the fatalities or if they are one of the 527 wounded that are currently spread out between five Valley Hospitals. This is one of those times when you hear about it happening around the country, these mass-shootings, but you never expect that it will happen in your own town and you CERTAINLY don’t expect to know any of the victims! 

Now we cut to where I take personal issue (and I’m certain I’m not the only one, as 59 families are without their loved ones now) with the Politicians and the Hollywood Elite immediately crawling out of the woodwork to use this tragedy as their on political platform to try and push their “gun control” agenda through, rather than spending that energy trying to actually help the victims and the families thereof. At the time the shooting happened at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando Florida, there were nothing but prayers, well wishes, fundraising campaigns to help the victims, etc.  Even our own Supernatural Fandom (the SPN Family) and the actors of the show worked to help the victims by way of tee-shirt campaigns, well wishes, and the like. Jared Padalecki had devised a campaign through Represent with a special design for the Orlando victims, complete with a special rainbow colored design specifically for the victim’s fund. Ironically, the only REAL comment from ANY of the cast and crew regarding the Las Vegas Massacre came from Jensen Ackles on Monday morning to let us know that his thoughts are with us here in Vegas. I checked on the other cast members’ Twitter accounts, and they have been very silent with our tragedy. With Orlando, Tweets were flying and campaigns set up within 24 hours. With Las Vegas? It is now Wednesday, October 4th at 10:50pm (soon to be October 5th) and we still haven’t seen anything. There have been ideas for fundraisers, sure, but not for the victims… the funds would go to gun control advocacy! It’s almost as though Las Vegas is insignificant to them suddenly, which is a major letdown and very disappointing because there are a lot of SPN Family out here that are hurting and we feel almost forgotten even though the shooting on Sunday night is officially the most deadly mass shooting in modern US history, so far surpassing Orlando by 9 deaths, and considering the amount of wounded people in the hospital, that could easily rise in the coming days since we don’t know how many of those are on life support right now. 

The victims in Las Vegas are hurting, physically AND emotionally, and we could definitely use the support of our heroes.  Yet we are all people who are being treated as though we don’t matter either because we live in “Sin City,” or the people who were here for a country music festival were probably “Republicans and Trump Supporters,” (as was mention by the now EX-VP of CBS who said the Vegas victims don’t “deserve” sympathy), even though at that concert there were many Democrats, minorities, men, women, children, Republicans, etc. We are talking about a crowd of twenty-two THOUSAND people who were there to enjoy music and share a common interest as AMERICANS regardless of race, religion, creed, or political affiliation. 

Now, let’s do some math… the average “Pauper’s Cremation,” which is simply cremation of the body where the ashes are send home in a vinyl covered hard cardboard box, and doesn’t come with use of the Mortuary facilities for a viewing, funeral, or memorial, along with a Minister of some sort, costs on average $3,000. I know this first hand from when my ex-roommate’s husband passed away.  You then have to pay the entire fee for the cremains to be released to the family. Now, multiply that by 59 people, which comes out to $177,000 provided NONE of those families want any extras, which will be HIGHLY unlikely. Our County Commissioner, Steve Sisolak, and Sheriff Joe Lombardo set up a GoFundMe account for a victim relief fund, which has a goal of $10million (which I’m certain will be surpassed). This relief fund is to go to funerals, medical bills, future surgeries, etc. This has LITERALLY been the ONLY fundraiser that I have seen so far to help the victims and their families. If they ONLY raise $10m, minus the cost of the funerals, there will literally only be enough money to help a mere handful of people out of 527! This will only be enough to cover hospital bills and Ambulance bills that have already been incurred, and not enough to cover any future surgeries, physical therapy, and mental therapy… and the Politicians want to turn this into a gun control agenda and politicize this?? The left has completely gone off the rails! In fact, they have gone SO far left, they have fallen completely off the playing board and have lost ANY modicum of a moral compass they may have had, which shows me they could care less about human lives at this point. Their only agenda right now is to disarm Americans so that we can’t protect ourselves against a tyrannical Government, criminals (who by the way will get their hands on guns regardless of gun control laws), and take away American’s ability to hunt for food in some areas where that’s a means of survival. Do I believe that assault rifles belong in the hands of average Americans? No I don’t, I believe those particular firearms should stay within the military, since nobody needs THAT much fire power to protect themselves… but that’s my own PERSONAL opinion, and has no bearing on my support for our 2nd Amendment right to bear arms, and I will NEVER try to infringe on someone else’s Constitutional Rights because I personally don’t like it. That’s just ridiculous! EVERY individual has the inalienable right to protect themselves, their families, their property, and their country. 

That being said, can we stop it already with all of this political nonsense and concentrate on helping Las Vegas heal? The radical regressive left needs to be reigned in, and the far right Bible thumpers as well. The only people creating this division in this beautiful country are the people THEMSELVES. It’s time to start taking responsibility for your own actions, and stop trying to place the blame on others when we fail.  If you screw up, you OWN it. 

We are Vegas Strong, we need to heal, and we need HELP with that WITHOUT being used as a political pawn in your twisted game of “Stratego.”  

Why Full Socialism Is A Bad Idea

Lately, I have been reading and hearing the same rhetoric coming from the regressive left. What frightens me about this, is that these are the people who despite all proof that a Socialist Society incites a boatload of trouble down the road, want to live in one. They have been so brainwashed as of late, that they say the same things over and over like some sort of twisted mantra from a script they have been given to memorize. I’ve been hearing this on talk shows such as Tucker Carlson, where he invites a far leftist onto the show to explain their point of view.  The problem is, they either refuse to answer a simple question because they don’t have a logical rebuttal and were caught off guard, or they simply ignore the question altogether and continue their memorized script as though it’s some sort of “proof of life” video where they are being held for ransom and told to recite their lines verbatim. I have yet to determine whether this is intentional, or if they even realize they are doing it. It’s really no wonder Tucker always has a perpetual look of confusion on his face! I have taken to watching his show for the sheer entertainment of different guests saying the same thing over and over. 

Here’s something that really puzzles me, especially since there seems to be this population who wants a Socialist Utopia of sorts. First of all, they are starting to call the reality of the world we live in an “illusion.” I can’t help but wonder if they fell down a rabbit hole and are being mentored by the Cheshire Cat!  Did they choose “Drink Me” instead of “Eat Me?” Or do they think they are part of the Matrix, and took the wrong pill? It’s become quite apparent that they don’t watch the news or even pick up a newspaper, because if they had, they would be reading about places like Venezuela (the one I most like to cite because their society, which has ultimately become a violent dystopia has been broadcast on just about every news station out there), where it became a Socialist country that is now falling apart at the seams.  You see, it’s great to have SOME Social programs such as Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, Foodstamps, etc. America has had these programs for decades.  However, we as taxpayers, pay money into these programs because they are set up as reciprocity programs, meaning… you pay into these programs, and they are there to help you through the hard times.  Yet this new generation that’s going into their early adult years see it as a free ride. Free medical, free food, free money, and in some cases free housing, rather than seeing it for what it’s meant to be: a helping hand when times are hard financially. These programs were never meant to be a way of life, and that’s what the Socialist mindset it turning it into because they simply don’t want to work. They feel that IF they work, they should be getting a managerial paycheck complete with the benefits packages that come along with the jobs, even though they don’t have the work experience NOR the work ethics to be deemed worthy of such pay. 

Let’s face it, Socialist countries set themselves up for failure in many ways from the beginning, because they don’t think of the long term consequences.  These programs cost money, and A LOT of it, to keep them running.  That money has to come from somewhere, which is generally gained through trade agreements by selling resources to countries that are at a disadvantage because they don’t have the same resources, yet need them. So then, what do you do when you have tapped out on your resources (which by the way, your OWN people also need), and no longer have any to sell?  You effectively have a country with no economy wherein people starve, crime rates go through the roof, you can’t repair your infrastructure, your roads are full of potholes, your buildings start falling apart, your educational system collapses… all of this and a plethora of other problems. This is happening right now in Venezuela (which again I cite because it’s the most recent to fall). Die-hard Socialists also have a very bad habit of throwing temper tantrums when their freebies are taken away because the Government can no longer afford to support them. The end result is a bunch of hungry pissed off people who work to overthrow the Government because it’s no longer working for them, which effectively solves nothing and only creates MORE problems. 

THIS is what WOULD have inevitably happened had Bernie or Hillary changed their address to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. They are already wealthy people who want to accumulate MORE wealth by taking advantage of their political positions.  So now, I can quite literally hear everyone saying “Trump is wealthy, and he will do the same.”  Bear in mind, that I am not defending Trump when I say this, but he was already a Billionaire when he decided to run for President. He opted to do this job for the next 4 to 8 years WITHOUT Presidential Pay, although he does have to take $1 per year by law.  The $400,000 per year is being donated into causes that help people, and he’s the first President since Kennedy to do this.  Yes, he’s trying to put a halt to the ILLEGAL immigration (not just from Mexico, as MSM would have everyone believe, but from everywhere) because illegal immigrants (meaning people who are in fact here illegally and have taken ZERO steps in starting the citizenship process) are working for lower wages, which means if and when they DO pay taxes, they are paying very little, and usually getting huge child tax credits back on their returns, they are on Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security (because not being able to speak English has been deemed a disability thanks to one of the addendums made by the previous administration), cash benefits through Welfare Programs, in many cases they are getting free housing or discounted housing vouchers, and guess what? They are living quite nicely off of YOUR tax dollars.  At this rate, by the time most of us are ready to retire, or we have something happen to cause us to go on disability, that money isn’t going to be there for the LEGAL citizens (both natural born, and naturalized) even though WE are the ones who paid into the system and programs. When they make money, they aren’t spending it here in the United States where it will go back into OUR economy, but they are sending it to their families in their respective countries of origin. I go to a place here called “Check City,” which is a multi-service cash company that provides money orders, Western Union, check cashing services, prepaid debit cards, and tax preparation. EVERY time I go in there, the windows are filled with people doing financial wire transfers to Mexico, El Salvador, Columbia, and many other Central American countries, and these Western Union transfers average around $3,000 that’s being sent out of the United States.  Conversely, here in the Southwest, it is MUCH more difficult for non-Spanish speaking people to find and keep jobs because most places now require you to be bilingual (although in the classifieds, they simply say “bilingual preferred” or “bilingual a plus”)  I have spoken to Human Resource people around town and have actually been told that if an applicant isn’t bilingual, their application is generally tossed in the “Circular File” (garbage can).  They aren’t even taken into consideration.  How does this help Americans?

Although I don’t agree with a lot of what Trump does, there are things I do commend him for.  Not many Presidents actually try and follow through on the campaign promises that got them elected.  A lot of people say “he doesn’t have any experience to be President.” Well my dear readers, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: NO first time President has the experience.  The ONLY Presidential Candidates that DO have experience are those that are running for a second term!  Yes, a Presidential Candidate might say something on the campaign trail, and flip their stance once they are in the White House. Why? Because until they are actually IN the Oval Office, they don’t have access to most of the information needed to back up certain claims or keep to certain promises.

In closing, I am going to revert back to my original intent behind this blog. America simply wouldn’t work as a Socialist country for the reasons I’ve stated, and many more. Why people don’t understand (or don’t WANT to understand) the economic mechanics of it is beyond me. I’ve tried explaining this to people every which way from Sunday until I’m ready to beat my head against the wall, but the far left just keeps wanting to talk in circles, asking the same questions over and over thinking that wording it differently will yield the answer they want to hear.  It’s not going to happen that way… ever. You will always get the same answer from people with critical thinking skills, because for the most part, it really is common sense no matter how hard you try to rewrite the script.  Not to mention that in light of everything I have said here, and with our country already being so insanely deep in debt, can you honestly say that creating your so-called Socialist Utopia would be a good idea at this point in time?  I would HOPE the answer would be “no.” Under a Socialist Government, we certainly wouldn’t have the freedoms we enjoy now, because everyone would be forced to conform and share everything in the name of “equality.” I would say that borders on Communism, but I will say flat out that it sounds more like slavery to me. Being told what you’re allowed to think, say, and do?  We are already seeing a ton of censorship from the left and their Politically Correct “Police.”  It’s my job to take care of my family and see to it we have a roof over our heads and food on the table.  It’s NOT my job to protect your delicate feelings because I say what’s on my mind and it might make you cry in a corner in the fetal position with your binkie, blankie, and puppy.  To 50% of today’s Americans, I say: GROW THE HELL UP!

Humor at the DMV

My husband and I went to the DMV today to renew the registration on one of our cars. Before we went, a friend of ours had asked me to pick up a driver’s handbook so that she can study for her written test so that she can get her provisional license. So we put my cell phone number into the system in order to receive a text message to alert us when a window opens up for us, and went over to see if they do the written tests all day or just during certain hours.

Keep in mind that this is a large DMV in Las Vegas, so they have various ammenities such as a snack bar… because what DMV doesn’t need a snack bar? After getting the information on the hours of testing (which incidentally is any time during the hours of operation), we started walking back to the general waiting area. My husband told me he was going to call our friend to have her go down there and take her test, until I said to him, “she will need to look at the handbook first.” Well… SOMEHOW he heard it as, “she will need to lick a hamburger first!” We both had a good laugh at that, and sat in our seats.

Joe nudged me and said, “where do we get a handbook?” I responded with, “I believe they have a snack bar here.” He looked at me for several seconds increduously and finally asked me, “what does the snack bar have to do with getting her a handbook??” I busted up laughing and realized that I did the EXACT same thing he did a few minutes before. “I thought you were asking where to get a HAMBURGER!” We were both laughing so hard at the misunderstanding that we literally had tears coming out of our eyes! 

Lesson learned… APPARENTLY “handbook” and “hamburger” sound identical in a Department of Motor Vehicles setting! Either that, or we are both getting old! Haha!

The Reason I Am Alive!

This blog is going to be a little bit different than the tangents I generally find myself on. I’m not going to rant, I’m not going to point out the absurdity of the world. I’m going to bare my soul for the first time in a very long time, in the hopes that what I have to say might hit home with someone. If I can save just one life, or give them a new outlook to find help after they read this, than I will feel that the time spent working on this and cutting myself to the quick as I relive this was worth it.

As most of you know, there is a new series out on Netflix called “13 Reasons Why.” I just finished watching the first season, and I found it really well written. The cinematic artistry of this show was wonderful because it didn’t confuse the subject matter, as it took one character into the mind of another. I won’t go into too much detail here in case there is someone reading this who has yet to see it. I know I hate spoilers, so I am not going to share too much so that others may watch and get the full scope of the story without knowing what comes next. 

As a parent, I am always worried about my kids having issues in school. High school was extremely difficult for my oldest daughter who is now 24 years old. Partly because of bullies, and partly because they had this bizarre dress code called “Standard Student Attire,” which is KIND of like having uniforms but not really. As a result, the teachers spent less time teaching and more time acting like fashion police because they liked changing the dress code without telling the parents, so what was fine one day ended up getting the child sent home the next and visa versa. Granted, the high school my eldest went to wasn’t the greatest, and it was quite literally connected to a charter school for children with behavioral problems. When it got to the breaking point of her not learning anything substantial, I supported her decision to drop out and get her GED (which she did almost immediately).  My 22 year old went to a magnet school, so she didn’t have to face the same issues her older sister had to endure. Luckily, my 12 year old hasn’t had any problems at all so far, and with her being the only remaining child in school, she’s the one I tend to worry about the most. 

Anyway, after watching “13 Reasons,” I sat down with my 12 year old and we talked for a little while about school. I let her know that she can ALWAYS talk to me if she ever has any issues with another student or a group of students, and that whatever she has to say will never fall of deaf ears. I will always do whatever I can for her to make sure her school years go as smoothly as possible, and we made a pact that if a problem does arise, I will take it to the highest possible position I can get a hold of and kick some ass if I need to. She promised me that she will never hold her feelings inside, and will come to myself or her father for help.

Now to my story. I was raised in a household with a Pagan mother and Atheist father, and was essentially surrounded by what some would call magick (For those of you not in the know, the “k” at the end of magick is not a misspelling, but rather a literary way of differentiating between a magician’s tricks, and ritual magic in which the forces of the Universe are harnessed… think of it as a super strong prayer, if you will). Needless to say, having been raised in Southern Utah, it made it very difficult to make and keep friends because the parents of the kids in my school were predominantly Mormon, and would call me everything from ‘Wicked Witch” to “Demon” to “Satanist” and my favorite, “Devil’s Spawn.” I was also raised with the Cedar Band of Paiute, who at that time looked down on the study of the occult. They viewed witches as evil entities that could change form, and they were very superstitious. Luckily for me, most of the Rez kids were rather rebellious and didn’t mind my odd upbringing. Their parents were a different story, although they kept it to themselves.  I was criticized for everything from my height to my choice of music (which was mostly classic rock and heavy metal). I did finally embrace my “dark side” in the end, and used it to my advantage. However, until that time, I was accused of seducing guys and being a slut, even though I was a virgin (I didn’t even get pregnant with my first daughter until after I was married). I would be lying if I said I never considered suicide, because believe me… I did. So much so that I actually sat in my parent’s closet one day with one of my dad’s pistols, broken and in tears. I looked at that gun, studied it, thought the world would be better off without me. Until I came to the realization that if I were to follow through with that, I would destroy my parents and the kids at school would win. I wasn’t about to become the reason that the popular girls put together a memorial at school for me just to show how “caring” they were as they vied for votes for Homecoming Queen. I made my resolve then and there that I would live, and I was NOT going to let them kill me. You might call it my moment of enlightenment.

My home life wasn’t exactly roses either. As much as I loved (and still do) my father, he terrified me! I was the youngest of 4 kids… two half brothers and one half sister. I was the only child of my mother’s. My siblings were raised with their own mothers, so I got the brunt of my dad’s temper. He drank heavily, and although he never told me what happened while he was in the Army, I still suspect to this day that something terrible transpired when he was stationed in France that he drank to escape the memory of. When he was sober, he was an amazing father, and would go out to the yard and play volleyball with me or watch as I exercised the horses. I would go on trips with him when he did his inventory control for the National Parks in the summertime, and we were on the road a lot. When he was drinking though, all I had to do was look at him wrong and I was making excuses for my clumsiness the next day at school. He passed away 11 years ago because of his drinking (the main reason I no longer drink, and haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in almost 15 years now), and I do miss him terribly. As it turns out, I finally began to have a functional relationship with him in my adult years. I moved out of my parents house ON my 18th birthday, and right in with the guy I would end up being married to for the next three years. Oddly enough, I don’t regret that time, even though my first husband almost hospitalized me multiple times, and almost killed me the night that I finally left. It took 3 years to make my escape, because every time he even got the notion I might leave, he would take off with my children, so I learned that I had to be savvy about my departure. It’s easy to say to a battered woman “just leave him,” but the truth is, it’s much easier said than done. Especially when the man is twice your size. I’m a very small woman at 5’1” and 110lbs, and he was 6’1” and almost twice my weight. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he would “detain” me until I became compliant. Yet I don’t regret that time in my life as I look back on it and pain I went through, because from that marriage I had my two oldest daughters. They ultimately became my reason for living. 

Through all of the rocky moments and financial hardships I’ve endured over my 43 years on this planet, I can now look back and know that every bit of it helped me to grow into the person I am today… and I’m stronger for it. With every joke made at my expense as a kid from wearing second hand clothing from the thrift shops (something that becomes very apparent in a small town), every bruise to both my skin and my emotions, every person I have had to bury and say goodbye to over the years, including my beloved Godson who took his own life at the age of 21 with a pistol and took his last unaided breaths in my arms, and every financial sacrifice to make sure my children ate, I became a force to be reckoned with. It took four decades, but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I know I would have missed out on so many things had I followed through that day in my parent’s closet so long ago. I have three beautiful and talented daughters, a gorgeous granddaughter, a wonderful husband, and a new direction in life. I have also found the most amazing and supportive extended family in the Supernatural fandom!

Much of what I have said in this blog I have never disclosed to anyone, but I know now that I can use it to teach others that no matter what curveballs life throws at you… you can hit it out of the park! Up until 24 years ago when my oldest daughter was born, my life seemed hopeless and pointless. I still have moments of self doubt, but I have learned to go with the flow and trust that whatever I am put through in life, there’s a reason behind it. For every door that closes on you, another one opens. You just have to be brave enough to walk through it and not let the actions of others hold you back, because in the end, it’s your life and no one else’s. After all, tomorrow IS another day, and believe me when I say that it’s truly something to look forward to! Have fun whenever you can, and if someone tries to criticize you for it, tell them to fuck off because more likely than not, they are miserable with their own life… don’t let them make yours equally miserable. We are already here for a short enough period of time, so make the most of the time you DO have, and don’t be afraid to talk to someone when life does get you down. The one thing that I have cultivated from this existence is that I have a much larger support system than I ever thought possible. So always keep fighting, know that you are not alone, and above all remember that it’s true: family don’t end in blood. We are all one big happy dysfunctional fun-loving family, and we all have something in common… that most of us have been through a lot of the same heartbreaking bullshit, and are here to give you a shoulder to cry on and share our wisdom on navigating this rollercoaster called life! 

~Kristi Sustrick

*** NOTE***                                          Credit for AKF artwork goes to        Deviant Art!